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My Facebook wall is flooded with inspirational memes and expressions of gratitude for my friends. People outside my little bubble might think I’ve been vague-booking. I haven’t been deliberately hiding anything. There’s just been lots going on and the time for me to share hadn’t arrived yet. Maybe it never will on some of the things. So much of it just isn’t entirely my story to tell.
Here’s what I can say: I’m getting a divorce. I moved out in April. My teenage daughter chose to stay with her dad, which was devastating, however, I’ve really been using the alone time to focus on myself.
I’ve never been alone. I’ve never focused on myself. I’ve lived my whole life clinging to dysfunctional relationships. Creating new dysfunctional relationships when the old ones blow up or crumble. Rinse and repeat.
I’m working to break that cycle. I’m digging deep to get to the root of issues I’ve been covering up my whole life. I’m learning to stand on my own. I’m figuring out who I am. I’m starting to like myself.
It’s a huge, scary, overwhelming, exhausting, complicated, HARD process. Some days I do better with it than other days. Some days I feel like I’m making big progress and really moving forward. I’m all, “This isn’t so bad! I’m doing just fine!” and blaring Bif Naked‘s “I love myself today” while I dance around the kitchen naked.
Other days I can’t get out of bed because I feel like every ounce of energy has been drained from me.
And then there are days where I have panic attacks. My mind races and I can’t catch my breath. I sit paralyzed in my car in the grocery store parking lot. Or I have the kind of crying fits that shake through your whole body. Also, frequently in a grocery store parking lot. There’s something about doing mundane, every day tasks that allow grief to take hold.
You see, it’s not even so much the divorce. Yes, I feel guilty for hurting someone else because I’m the one who started this process. I feel really guilty for shaking up my daughter’s world. But I know it’s the right thing for me. And that makes it the right thing for all three of us. I miss her like crazy and wish she was living with me.
But those aren’t really the big issues. It’s all the stuff that happened before I decided to move out. All the years of trying to force myself into a box and ignoring myself. I ignored how unhappy and unhealthy I was for so long I nearly disintegrated. I allowed myself to become invisible to myself. I was drowning and making poor choices. Becoming whole again is messy business.
But I’m worth it.
And I can honestly say I have more singing and dancing in the kitchen days now than hiding in bed or sobbing in the car days.
So, yeah, I’m getting a divorce. My daughter doesn’t want to live with me. I’m having to learn to stand on my own in every way for the first time at 40.
But I’m okay.
Not I will be okay.
I am okay.
Recent posts you might enjoy on this healing journey:
And because it’s summer: