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I was not okay. I was drowning. That’s the best way I can describe the last year. Maybe longer. No, definitely longer. Way longer.
I’d been saying, “I’m not okay,” for at least a year. To my husband. To my daughter. To my best friend. My family didn’t understand. My friend wanted me to do something about it, but I didn’t have the strength.
When you’re drowning in emotions, it’s a fight to stay afloat. You don’t always have strength to get to shore.
So I kept flailing about and the water kept rising.
Most people had no idea I was struggling. I smiled. I laughed. I showed up. But the water was always weighing so heavy in my lungs.
My teenage daughter was also drowning in a sea of trauma triggers, mental health issues and the roller coaster of first love (and loss). But I couldn’t think clearly about how to help her because I was in such mental chaos myself. My decision making skills were shot. I was barely functioning. We just kept pushing each other under.
She nearly went under for good. I spent 14 nights sleeping next to her hospital bed in the ICU. I am so grateful she pulled through.
And what a wake up call.
The way I was living wasn’t working. Drowning in emotional turmoil was no longer an option. I was failing myself. I was failing her.
I’ve been on a journey to heal myself the last two months. She’s on her own journey. I’m realizing I can’t do it for her, and my attempts at controlling and managing her only made it more difficult for both of us. The best thing I can do right now is focus on my own inner anchors. Clear out what’s weighing me down, break through the surface, learn to float.
I’m going to start writing about it. So stay tuned for tales of psychic readings, chakra cleansings, clogged garbage disposals, amazing friendships, parking lot panic attacks, half-dressed adventures and so much more. I’m on a journey to heal my shattered pieces and figure out what I want my pieced-back-together-self to look like.
Feel like you’re on the verge of drowning? Are you not okay? Text CONNECT to 741741. It’s free and they’ll help you create a plan to make it through – even if you can only focus on making it through the next five minutes.