I Left My Vibrator On My Friend’s Nightstand

I left my vibrator on my friend’s nightstand. In his bedroom. Not even his guestroom. No, the bedroom he shares with his fiancé.

He asked me if I could stay at his house while they went on vacation. They’d just moved into a new place and had packages being delivered. One of these deliveries was the bed for the guestroom, so I slept in their bed.

I had a trip myself to take at the end of my stay. I arrived at their house on Tuesday, flew out Saturday morning, and returned late Monday night. Bestie Boo said they’d be home Tuesday night.

The call to stay at their house came last minute. I hadn’t packed for my weekend trip yet, and then I needed to pack for five additional days at Bestie Boo’s on top of it. I just threw everything into Ikea bags, brought an empty carryon bag and decided to sort it out from his house.

I’ve been having dizzy spells for months. Not consistently. Randomly. My doctor is monitoring it. I get dizzy, lightheaded, and weak. They leave me wiped out for hours. I had a very bad one Friday afternoon, that landed me on the couch unable to function until late in the evening. Then I had to tackle the job of packing before leaving for the airport at 6 a.m.

I left their house a wreck. Dirty clothes on the floors of two rooms. Notebooks, paperwork I brought to deal with and then didn’t, assorted pill bottles, toiletries that didn’t make it into my travel bag, etc. all over the place.

And I left my vibrator on their nightstand. My Womanizer.

But this was fine because I’d be back Monday night. I’d get some sleep and clean up Tuesday morning. I had to leave Tuesday afternoon to teach a night class, so I wasn’t actually going to get to see my friends when they returned home. But I was going to leave their house clean and have some soup waiting for them in the Ninja Foodi.

Spoiler alert: that’s not how it went down.

I texted with them while I was away in Napa Valley. We were all having a great time on separate trips. I woke up at 3 a.m. to pee Monday morning. There was a text, “We were mistaken about our travel plans. We arrive home at 8 p.m. tonight.”

OMG!

My plane didn’t land until 10 p.m. Two hours after theirs.

I left my vibrator on their nightstand!

I texted back, “I’m so sorry! I left your house a mess! Stuff is everywhere!”

I didn’t mention the vibrator.

“No problem,” they both replied. “We’ll have the couch made up for you and dinner ready.”

I spent my entire 5.5 hour flight hoping their 9 hour flight would be delayed. I bought the airplane wifi so I could monitor the situation.

I texted a couple of girlfriends about my predicament. They thought it was hysterical. One Googled Womanizer. “Well, it kind of looks like a pore cleanser. They’ll just think you were cleaning your pores in their bed.”

My friends landed right on time.

Of course they did.

I got to their house and they’d already cleaned up my mess, dirty clothes and all. They had the couch made up for me in a way that rivaled the 5 star Napa Valley hotel I’d just been at. Dinner was on the table and they sat and listened to me gush about my trip. They gave me earrings they bought me in Iceland.