5 Reasons My Friend James Is The Worst

“Why do you hang out with him? He’s the worst,” my friend Nicole has asked multiple times. I just shrug my shoulders without a good answer. I mean…my friend James has some really great qualities. He’s charismatic, funny, and doesn’t run away when I cry. But…yeah, he’s also the worst. Here are some of the reasons.

1. He has terrible follow-through. 

We started a book together two years ago. It was his idea. He was super excited about it and got me excited about it, too. So far we have some illegible notes and a lost outline, both handwritten over whiskey shots at a dive bar. We were going to have a big adventure one Saturday afternoon. He said he’d call me after his stupid football game ended. But he took a six-hour nap instead. He even bailed on Thanksgiving dinner. Seriously. Thanksgiving. Dinner.

2. He starts to say stuff and then stops. 

I am nosy. I don’t like surprises and I’m terrible at secrets. Let’s share all the information, all the time, okay? Especially if it’s about me. I hate it when people start to say something and then stop. It will haunt me for eternity! What were they going to say? Was it about me? Why didn’t they finish? It was totally about me, wasn’t it? James has done this multiple times even though he knows I hate it. “Never mind. I’m not going to say it. You can’t handle it. I’ll never tell.” Argh!

3. He complains the whole time I’m driving his drunk ass home.

Ok, I admit it – I’m a terrible driver. My car is covered in scrapes, scuffs, dings, and scratches to prove it. I have difficulty carrying on a conversation and driving at the same time. My floorboard is covered in trash. I always pass his street even though I’ve been to his house a hundred times. And my car currently smells like cat pee and vinegar. But still, complaining the whole time is just rude!

4. He doesn’t like Lizzo.

What kind of person doesn’t like Lizzo? I was in on the Lizzo game early and tried to bring him on board, too. But no. He once used up all his jukebox app credits to block me from playing Lizzo at a bar. That is some petty bullshit. He said no one would want to hear it. A few months later women around the world were scream-singing Lizzo nonstop. He “could’ve had a bad bitch” and refused to accept her magic.

5. He has plans to Ed Sheeran me. 

A line from an Ed Sheeran song has annoyed me since the first time I heard it. “I will be loving you ‘til we’re seventy.” Why is Ed going to stop loving this person when they’re seventy? He’s just going to be done with her when she hits that seventh decade? Well, James recently told me he wants me in his life for another thirty years. That puts us right around seventy. 

These are only five of the reasons my friend James is the worst. There are many more. Stay tuned for part two. And then parts three through seventeen. Also, be wary of any publications titled “Reasons Rachael Is the Worst,” perhaps authored by his alter ego, Big Jim.

But at least I only have to deal with him for another thirty years.

Note: I wrote this to demonstrate to him how easy it is to write a 500-word essay. I don’t think he ever read it. (That’s material for part 2.) This was published with his permission.