The thought of living alone terrified me. It is what kept me in a marriage I wasn’t happy in for almost 20 years. Prior to leaving my (now ex-) husband in April, I’d never lived alone. Ever. I’d never even spent more than a couple of nights alone while on business trips.

My teenage daughter moved out with me, but then decided to go back to the house she was comfortable in with her father while being extremely anger at me for shaking up her security. I was heartbroken.

And all alone.

So very alone.

I sobbed for hours. My friend told me I would survive. I didn’t know how.

My therapist had me make a list of all the benefits of living alone. I just found the list again. Here’s what I came up with…

Why living alone is awesome:

only worry about myself
not manage anyone else’s emotions
not have to defend my choices
hire repair people if I want
buy fancy water without judgement
decide what I want to do
and then do it whenever I want
figure out who I am
try new things
leave the lights on
open the blinds
put the ac where I want
turn the tv on/off when I want
watch what I want or don’t watch anything at all
eat peanut butter in bed
make coffee without anyone complaining about the smell
cook kielbasa and sauerkraut
go to Walmart at midnight
cook dinner as late as I want
get a snack whenever I want
eat whatever I want without hearing “that’s not a breakfast food.”
no food police
have friends over
laugh and talk loudly and freely
be myself
be free
stay out late with friends
not worry about anyone else’s opinion of how I act with my friends
go out whenever I want with whoever I want
figure out who I am
figure out what I like
find out what fulfills me
sleep as late as I want
stay up as late as I want
turn on the lights whenever I want
play whatever music I choose or keep the house silent
wear whatever I want or don’t get dressed at all
take a shower in the middle of the night if I want
buy name brand toilet paper
live without guilt and resentment eating at me

It’s been seven months since I moved out. I got divorced last month. Living alone is still hard for me, even though my daughter goes back and forth between my place and her dad’s now.

But the things on that list? They’re worth the discomfort and growing pains. I was trapped and not living for myself. Living on my own is allowing me to finally get to know myself. And I’m pretty cool.