There are two dicks lost in my house.  Or maybe my car.  This is the tale of the missing crystal penis.

Actually, lost penises.  Multiple.  

I bought them in Atlanta.  My friend Brit lives there and told me her teenager encountered a bin of crystal dicks at a shop in Ponce City Market.  I told her, “I need a crystal dick.” So when I visited, that was my only goal. Sure, I wanted to laugh, talk and enjoy my time with my friend and her family.  But I was on a mission to get a crystal penis.

So we spent a morning walking around Ponce City Market.  I loved the place so much I investigated how much it cost to live in the apartments above it.  (The answer: more than I can afford.) I loved the healing store, Modern Mystic.  It was filled with crystals, tarot cards, candles, essential oils, a super friendly clerk with cool dreadlocks and more.  They had Queer Eye prayer candles! I would have bought one, but they were sold out of Jonathan Van Ness.

My friend quickly spotted the dicks.  It was a huge bin of tiny crystal penises.  They weren’t much bigger than my fingernail.  I got to work choosing the right one.

I used to have a coloring book called “Just Cocks.”  (I say “used to” because my cat peed on it.)  Hours were spent coloring dicks last year in the early days after leaving my now ex-husband.  Then I would mail them to a friend across the country. Once I even bedazzled the page with jewels before mailing it. 

So, of course, I wanted to mail this friend a tiny crystal penis.  As one does.

I also thought it would be funny to get one to hide in my bestie boo’s house.  Then I read on the sign next to the bin the crystal dicks help with sexual healing.  So I had to have one for myself.

There were several different colors.  It was important to me I pick just the right one for each purpose.  I probably spent a good ten minutes running my hand through the bin waiting for these tiny glass dicks to speak to me.  

My long distance friend’s favorite color is green so I went with that.  I chose a gray and black marble pattern for my bestie boo because he’s very classy.  Simple, clear crystal was what spoke to me for myself.

I checked out (and also bought a beautiful rose quartz pendulum).  The clerk told me I was in luck – they’d been completely out of the crystal dicks and just recently got them back in stock.  

Then we went downstairs and explored the food area.  We’d been feasting our way around Atlanta for days and both craved something healthy.  My friend went with an acai bowl and I had the most delicious soup and salad trio from a place called Farm to Ladle. Thai coconut lime chicken soup.  “Detox” slaw. Chickpea salad. All so yummy.  

I posted a photo of the itty bitty glass dicks on Facebook.  A friend was very excited because she thought I found penis bongs.  I explained what they were and how tiny.  Another friend commented, “Tiny dick?  Knew him once, but why would I want something to remember him by?”

When I flew home a few days later, I made sure my crystal goodies were tucked safely in my backpack.  I’d left my car at Bestie Boo’s because he lives near the airport, while I live two hours away. I dropped my stuff off at my car upon arriving back at his place, but got his crystal penis out of my backpack.  The bathroom seemed like a good place to leave it, but I wasn’t sure which sink was his and which was his fiance’s. So I left it right in the middle.  I also brought goat soap.  

The other two dicks were in a tiny brown paper bag in the door pocket of my car.  I remember bringing them into my house – I think.

And then…..????????

I can’t find them anywhere.

They were $10 each.  So I have $20 of lost crystal penis somewhere in my house.  Or maybe my car.  

Hopefully they are near enough, wherever they are, that I am still reaping the sexual healing benefits.

But I hope I find them soon so I can mail the green one to my friend.

Here are some things I learned while writing this report:

• The plural of penis is penises.
• “Crystal dick” is used to describe an erectile condition associated with crystal meth use. (If that’s what brought you here, this will help you get on the road to recovery.)
• I really can ramble about anything.  This is almost 800 words.