Every January I see posts talking about a word of the year.  This is a word that encompasses your hopes, dreams, goals and intentions.  I think I’ve thrown a word out there more than once, but I never followed through and I can’t even remember what any of the words were.

But this year?

This year I’m on it.

My word of the year:

 

FORWARD.

2018 was filled with changes.  Most of them were good, but they were (and still are) HELLA HARD.

Everything hit a boiling point in 2018.  Years of conflict, crisis, unhappiness, resentment, feeling trapped, confusion and other plain ‘ol yuck…it boiled over.  It just couldn’t be contained any longer.

2018 was the year of “YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT ALL OF THIS MESSED UP SHIT THAT YOU’VE BEEN IGNORING PRETTY MUCH YOUR WHOLE LIFE…RIGHT NOW!!!!”

2018 screamed in my face, punched me in the gut, ripped apart my heart and pulled my hair all to get my attention.

My teenage daughter almost died.  There were weeks spent sleeping next to her in the hospital, two hours from home.

Then I realized I needed out of my marriage immediately.  I turned my daughter’s world upside down by leaving her father just a few weeks after she was released from the hospital.

And was devastated when she decided to stay with him.

I lived on my own for the first time ever.

We sold what had been our family home. I moved from one rental to another.

July turned into a month traveling and staying with friends.

In October, I got divorced, just six months after deciding to leave.

Many relationships in my life went through refection, transition, renewal and strain.

I dived into therapy.

I started trying to figure out who I am, what I like, what kind of life I want for myself.

It’s been exhausting.

I. am. tired.

But ya know what I’m going to do?

Keep moving FORWARD.

What does it mean to move forward?

• letting go of the guilt and shame.
• dealing with past trauma.
• dropping the baggage that weighs so heavily on me.
• looking at the present and future NOT the past.
• realizing a bad day doesn’t mean a bad life.
• remembering I have choices and options.
• not staying stuck,  instead doing what I need to do to be a healthier and happier version of me.

None of this is easy, but I’m worth the commitment.

Do you have a word of the year?  Let me know in the comments!